Tag: foster care

How my miscarriage prepared me for foster care

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As a parent, I never thought there would be any other pain like losing your own child. You take the first positive test and your heart fills with joy, only to be destroyed days, weeks, or months later. When I took the calling to care for and love children that weren’t mine, I never thought I would experience the loss in the same way.

But here I am, near six months after taking a phone call in the middle of the night for a 14 month old little boy, experiencing the same overwhelming grief I did over a year ago. Today I am saying goodbye as he transitions to his aunts home, losing a boy who doesn’t know me any different than “mommy”. Mike drove us and our other foster children to his aunts work. We prayed for him and said goodbye. I handed him to his aunt as he cried “no, mommy”, and I walked quickly back to the car to hide my tears.

The pain is real.

For both children, I was a safe haven, whether in my home, or in my womb. Both knew me as their mom, one to provide for them, keep them safe, and love them until their time came, but no one warned me that time doesn’t care.

Time… it came too soon. I had to say goodbye too early.

Now, I sit in his empty room, leaning against his crib as I weep and pray for his little life. Just as I did over a year ago with my womb. God keep him safe, help him feel loved, help him not feel alone. Keep his future bright, and don’t let him lose the sense of adventure he sought out when he was here. I hope for who they both would of been if they stayed, even for just one more day.

“Oh, if I just had one more day”, I cry.

I would hold them tighter, pray for them harder, tell them I love them more, cherish every moment as they learn new things, and spend much more quality time with each. I hope they are both getting plenty of that now.

I knew signing up for foster care, I would be risking my heart; loving with the chance to lose every time, but it was worth it. Whether our sweet boy will ever feel that same love again is an unknown to me, so I’m glad he was able to get it while he was here. If not me than who?

And there were good times, oh so many good times. I watched this little boy flourish, grow, feel safe and loved. I cuddled him when he got hurt, I watched him learn new things, I helped him calm when he was walking through some serious emotions. I know he felt the love of the Lord because we were the vessel to give it. We read to him, sang to him, and prayed over him, not because it’s easy, but because He deserves the glory. Doing foster care without Him seems quite impossible, it is because of Jesus dying for me that I can now share that love with children who need it. I don’t take that responsibility lightly.

Although this loss is tremendous, as my miscarriage was too, I know my efforts are meaningful. Whether I rocked you in my arms, or my womb, the time it took to watch you grow was worth it. I know it was exactly where I was supposed to be in that season.

We’ve said goodbye to 20 children since starting foster care just shy of a year ago, and each time it stung, but this one left a fracture to my heart, one that will take time to heal.

So tonight I’ll be seeking the Lord, seeking for healing and for a perspective change. I feel burnt by these feelings and I don’t want to keep going, but I know that this risk to love was worth it. I shall hold on to that and ask the Lord to renew my heart and keep me going as we still have two girls with us and I’m sure many more children to come. May You renew my expectations, oh Lord, may You prepare my heart to love again, even though there is always the chance for loss. Renew my tainted lenses and turn them to You, help me keep loving when the times become hard.

Thank you God for the time I did have. Whether that be weeks or months, I’m grateful. My life is forever changed because of all the children you have allowed us to love, even the sweet baby I lost from my womb.

The loss is real, the pain is there, but it’s worth it. I’d rather love and lose every time because the Lord called me to it, and I have Him to lean on in the pain, than not love these children at all. The pain of my miscarriage, and how I grieved through that will continue to help me grieve the loss that is so real when you lose a foster child. Thank you Lord for being there to lean on in the midst of painful moments, and thank you for making loving children worth every moment.

I’m reminded of the song “Weep with Me” by Rend Collective. My friend shared it with me as I was walking through my miscarriage, and now it’s on repeat again as I lament this tremendous loss.

Yet I will praise you
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
Here I will offer my praise
What’s true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe you weep with me

Here in the midst of my lament
I have faith, yes I still beleive
That You love me
Your plans are to prosper me
You’re working everything for good
Even when I can’t see

Weep with me
Lord will you weep with me

💜Amber

Foster Friday Update 7-19-19

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Wow, have I been missing for just over a week, which is not at all what I wanted for this blog. I’m okay with that though because, well, life happens.

Last Saturday, July 13, we got four new foster kiddos (two were only for the weekend). We had five children in our home, and we were beat! Talk about super mom, and dad! Well Monday came and two of the kiddos left, but that left us with three fun loving kids! We still have our one foster son, he has been with us for three months, and now we have two girls! A two year old and a three and a half year old. They are such sweet babes, but we have our hands full!

When a new child comes into your home, the first week usually is full of activities. This week we had multiple people come to check on the girls, doctors appointments, and visits, and the two year old doesn’t want to sleep! Poor girl, I’m sure she is scared and confused. Plus all the usual things we have for our other kiddo. He had visits and doctor appointments this week.

Although it was a busy week, our hearts are full and we are so blessed to get to love on as many sweet children the Lord needs us to. You can read my last blog post about foster care to see why we foster.

On top of new children coming, visits, doctors, and people coming to check on the girls, our foster son had to get caught up on immunizations this week. Let me just say today was long. The girls were wanting to go go go and play play play, but our sweet boy was tired, sick, and running a fever. We had a pretty quiet afternoon with a lot of cuddles, and yes, even a lot of screen time, oh well!

Foster care can take a lot of our time up, but we are so blessed with where we are at! Thanks for following along for a weekly update of our crazy yet love-filled life.

💜Amber Thorne

Why Foster Care?

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Ever since I was in high school, I thought that I wanted to care of children who needed a safe place by providing foster care. When my husband and I first started dating I shared this with him and he didn’t know how he felt about it. I wasn’t going to push him but I knew someday he would come around and have the same passions that I did, to care for the orphans. Almost four years later we got licensed and are now foster care parents. Here is our journey!

Shortly after marriage in 2015 we began talking about foster care again. We were waiting for the still small voice of the Lord to tell us it was time. We thought it was time a few times and it never panned out. In February 2018 my husband and I lost a child to miscarriage. For months after this I personally wasn’t in a place to even consider starting the process to foster. Throughout the summer I began healing and October came around, when my baby would of been due. I leaned closer to the Lord and November 2018 came around. I submitted the idea of foster care again to my husband and he was on board!

We both strongly believe in James 1:27. My favorite version is from The Passion Translation which states: “True spirituality that is pure in the eyes of our Father God is to make a difference in the lives of the orphans…”. We want nothing more than to care for those that need a safe home for a time being. We wanted to make a difference in their lives.

In November 2018 we started by taking a tour of our agency, and the next day we started taking our required training classes. We filled out our paper work and about 46 days later we were licensed foster care parents. We rushed the process because we knew we wanted to jump right in full heartedly.

Our first placement came on January 14th, 2019 and since then we’ve had a total of 15 children in and out of our home. The ages range from 10 months old to 17 years old. It has been such a journey and we are honored to be a safe place for the children to land on their own journey.

Foster care isn’t just about caring for the children, which was a quick shock to us. The first time we dropped off our foster children to visit their parent, we realized that these parents are often times in hard situations themselves and they love their kids. They love their kids just as much as you love your kid. They love their kid as much as I love the child I miscarried, and the child I am currently carrying.

Foster care has been a journey and we love each and everyone of the 15 children who have come in and out of our home. We are thrilled to see where this journey takes us and are honored to get to care for children as the Lord has called us to.

This picture is from May 2019 and since then we’ve had 6 more children come in and out of our home. I am using a Micro Happy Notes to remember something special from each child we cared for, no matter how short. For their privacy, we can’t post pictures of them, but I wanted to share this to the best of my ability.

💜Amber Thorne